Today, after i played a lot of games in a row, and lost almost all of them, i was asking myself a question about my go: should i totally rethink the way i aproach the game? Should i try something like starting from zero again?
Today i had some personal things that were troubeling me, so i was not in a good mood, so first i thought: „yeah, not a good idea, to play sooo many games, when one is troubled, no wonder that i lost them all“. But then, my second thought was, that i have accumulated so many bad habbits, that, even when i`m in a perfect condition can`t play without this feeling that my go is somehow a bit sick. That i should think about some kind of inner „relaunch“.
Again i`m reaching my limits here, while writing in english… so what do i mean by „my go is sick“?! Maybe you think i should not try things like opening at tengen or 2x 3-5 points … but it is not what i mean, experimenting is ok, it is more about what comes after the first 2, 6 or 8… moves… i think my inner stance or inner attitude is the problem.
I remember a topic at 19×19… it was something like „try to stop going all in in my games“ (somebody maybe was asking the other users to help to change his style) … i think i have so many bad habits, and going „all in“ is one of them.
I will try to name some bad habbits:
- playing without thinking, just „intuitive“ moves in long games. Sometimes „blitz style“ answers when carefull consideration is needed.
- Being almost allways much to over-confident.
- Over-Agressiveness. Allways trying to kill regardless of the consequences. Speciality: hunting big dragons, and then, when the dragon survives, being counterattacked or not having enough territory in the end.
- Genrally: too much emmotions involved! Sometimes, forgetting: „it is just a game“ 🙂
- To many (wrong) tenuki moves, which in the end are not bringing me a any better positions.
- Risk-loveing, extreme (stupid) daredevilry
- Sometimes: Not having a strategy at all! (Other than „i will attack anything“)
- I will invade anthing, even if it is much to late and it is 99% sure that i can`t live
- Even while i speak a lot about „taking it serious“ i often don`t respect the go skills of my opponent enough … i think: “ i did study so much go recently, i`m sure that i`m stronger than 5kyu, i will be able to win this game“
- megalomaniac overplays
- self-destructive overplays
One of the most bugging things is this feeling of „arrogance“ … and i`m not really sure where it comes from, i know that i`m just arround 5 or 6 kyu … i have not any special go skills, appart from my love for go (and many people are having this special „skill“ though) so why this feeling of arrogance? There is nothing i have which would give me kind of confidence that i will win…
While i try to accept loosing the same way as i accept winning, and while i try to use „go“ as some kind of „meditation“ … there are still often very much useless emotions involved in my go, and i`m seriously trying to change all or at least some of all that.
I`m not talking here about changing my love for fighting, i will not be a wanna-be Lee Changho in the future… it is how you fight, and why and where etc. and not fighting in it self. Even being a very agressive player it is not something bad or strange… it is ok, as long as you know somehow what are you doing… and that is the point, i realize: i have no idea what i`m doing … period.
So, i´m really not talking about how much i hate losing, it is more that i would wish for that i would lose games with lesser mistakes… that i would not that much regret my lost games. If my opponent just played better… that is not the problem, but if i play not as good as i maybe could play, that is bad. So afterwards when i review my games, i often seem to know a bit what i did wrong. And my goal is to have the same kind of inner „stance“ towards the board while i play.
Or to put it this way: i have no problem with losing at all (i`m really serious here) if i would knew afterwards that i did my best… but while all these things, which i just mentioned in the list before, are there, all these bad habbits and useless emotions (like „arrogance“ etc.) are taking place… i regret my games, even sometimes when i win… because afterwards i understand that i was just lucky that my opponent did not punished some overplays.
So…. „starting from Zero“ … that does not mean like i will make a sandbagger-account with 18 kyu 🙂 It is more like i will try to change my perception… and mainly i will try to not rely on knowledge and intuition… i try to build some new knowledge just by thinking new fresh thoughts about the game… not relying on moves or ideas which are comming out of the „bad habbits“ direction… in order to „restart“. Not in order to win but to play without, or with lesser, inner obstacles.